Wednesday, 23 December 2009
WALKING THROUGH THE SNOW, STRIDING THROUGH THE WOODS LIKE JEREMIAH JOHNSON,WALKING ON THE PAVEMENT LIKE JOHN INMAN....
I took the dog out, put my cissy warm furry gloves on and my treaded caterpillar boots and crunched out into the blizzard. When we reached the local woods i was striding through the drifts like ROBERT REDFORD in the wilds of the North West frontier in JEREMIAH JOHNSON. But that wild pioneering spirit came to a sudden end once i returned to the icey roads and pavements. Then i was walking more like JOHN INMAN, as my legs were squeezed tightly together and my step didnt exceed more than 6 inches, or so. The dog was all over the place sniffing, snow covered clumps of grass (n' stuff?), and like an old string spinning top, the ones were you wrapped the string around and pulled ,thus causing the top to spin. The bloody dog understood the concept, ran around me with his lead then bolted to a bush to have a sniff, leaving me in a ice dancing -type spin, leading into a technically difficult arse over tit manoeuvre resulting in me lying spread eagled on the ground, cursing all that is canine. As i walked and my feet were slipping , i thought ,"I know i'll have a slide, like when i was a kid."So, i had a short run up, stopped dead and fell flat on my face!....On the main road in my John Inman guise, and getting worse as the muscles on the insides of my legs were pulling and as tight as guitar strings. There wasn't a soul about, not even on the road, until i got to the post office and there was a queue of about 70 people.Eventually went out again,and not a living soul to be seen.
A bin wagon came flying around the corner and went into a slight skid, i just happened to be in the line of skid and i nearly fell asleep as my life was flashing before my eyes. I was kept awake fighting to get my gloves off so i could get a pen out of my pocket to will all my lack of belongings and debts to the Lovely Lynne. But fate and good fortune(well i thought it was good) took a hand and the trucks skid was arrested and he chugged off. Almost killed by a bin wagon, hmmmm!....Yes i know!
The dog didnt seem to slip or slide, so i put it down to its doggy pads on its paws. I know,thinks i," i'll do it the natural way and go barefoot", the clumps of dead skin on my feet will be like the dogs paw pads. So i tried it. The ambulance brought me home after being found 30 yards from home unconcious suffering from extreme exposure; extreme hyperthermia;pneumonia,with a dash of pleurisy. Its been 2 days and i can't feel below my knees, an area of a faint bluish colour. The doctor said if it goes green ,get the kitchen knife out and give him a call anytime after boxing day.
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
TIGER WOULD IF HE COULD AND HE DID, AGAIN, AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN, HE'S AN ADVERTISERS DREAM!!!
What amazes me is the advertisers pulling out of using Tiger Woods to front their products. How blind and stupid can they be. Golf is a big earner ,but nowhere as big as sex! Yeah, ok, he was an outstanding sportsman and many people respected his skill and talent and wholesome persona. But now with all this 'stuff' going on, Tiger Woods is the 'Daddy!'.... Every teenager and man in the world will look at him with his protein drinks; after shaves; various 'stinky stuffs'; ranges of clothes. And now the whole sex aids market is open for 'the king'. And all these people will say "yeah i'll have some of that!" .And Tiger Woods is the hero for every horny male on the planet,of which there are more than a few, even those who didn't know he used to play golf.
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
Monday, 7 December 2009
As everybody knows theres two things KARATE is famous for, one is the never failing to knock 'em out Karate chop beloved of every spy and war film ever made, and ,of course the "hiyaa!" karate yell that was almost, not so much a fighting yell, but a magical incantation to ensure the bad guys would go down and stay down. But where once the martial arts were secret techniques, 'one touch n' yer dead', etc, nowadays training isn't done in a monestary atop a snowcapped mountain in the middle of a mysterious mountain range where the students train 24/7 on a bowl of rice a year, until their master slings 'em out to batter the baddies, or goodies on the outside untrained world.
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
Once not long ago the solar system was totally airless and waterless. Now we've discovered atmospheres ,however thin on various moons and planets, but more amazing we've found water on , well every where we've looked. The moon , originally totally void of everything has been found to have water. No atmosphere ,virtually absolute zero temperatures and theres water. Mars also full of the stuff. The moon Europa under a thin layer of ice ,is supposed to be a salty sea with volcanic vaults heating the water and very similar conditions to volcanic reigions way down at the depths of our oceans, where ,supposedly nothing can exist, but has recently been found to be teeming with various life forms, so Europa becomes the main favourite in the solar system for life. In fact ,Arthur C Clarkes book of 2001, is about aliens giving man the means to explore and colonise the solar system, but to leave Europa alone. Europa's surface is not joined to the planetary core ,seperated by the water layer the moons surface rotates at a different rate to its core, betcha' didn't know that did ya? It seems theres so much water knocking about there should be a hugh rainbow stretching across the solar system.
Monday, 23 November 2009
Thursday, 19 November 2009
Monday, 16 November 2009
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
AS ANY FULE KNO ,NIGEL MOLESWORTH THE CURSE OF ST CUSTARDS SKOOL, AND GORILA OF 3B, IS NOW PRIM MINISTER OF GRATE BRITON..
Friday, 6 November 2009
Thursday, 5 November 2009
The problem with experts and scientists i that they deal in facts,experimental data, opinions of teams of highly qualified intellects who know what they're talking about, basically the stuff that is squeezed out all pristine and smart from the intellectual mangle is something very alien to politicians .The truth!
The truth is a nasty thing in its purest form, no good, whatsoever in politics. This truth must be treated and diluted until it becomes totally malleable and be able to be twisted and distorted to fit into a vessel called a policy. The data involved may fill libraries and be megabytes of computer space, but it must fit onto a few glosy A4 sheets of paper alongside party logos and smiling party leaders pictures. If an expert voices an opinion .It is the policy that is sacrosanct, not the evidence or truth. So, experts and advisors ,speak when spoken to, then return to your dusty university studies until you are summoned to advise, or your sacked!
There is a way around this system. As the prime minister found, recently. An officer in Afghanistan said ,much against Goverment announcements, that troops were dying due to lack of helicopters. Well, this would've gotten him a court marshall from Gordon Brown right away. But the officer in question was killed. So Gordon can't do anything about a dead hero's advice....Wether he'll do anything, ah now?.....
Just one thing (amongt many)thing puzzles me .Every party has opposing policies on ..well,'EVERYTHING!'..And they've all got experts and advisors. So is the expert advice totally different for every expert, or is the same advice just twisted and distorted to make a smart looking policy
( An irrate Gordon Brown appeared courtesy of the front cover of HA Magazine, aaah fame ,at last!!!!)
Thursday, 22 October 2009
Traditionally politics is dead easy and boring, you've got the shower in power and the rest!..Whatever the shower in power say, goes, is it!...The others the opposition disagree with absolutly everything said n' proposed by the shower in power. So, they have the best and easiest job in the world. Then when and if,god forbid, they do take over they just blame all the screw ups and fuck ups on the previous shower in power ,and that the policies that screwing up the nation were initiated when the previous shower were in power, and its nothing to do with the present shower in power....Simple, really and brilliant in its stupidity.
But the worst thing that can happen is that they vote you into power, and you might be put in that very awkward position of actually having to do something, not a lot, heavens forbid, but something , from time to time. I think,in the future you'll see a lot of MP's expenses going on gymn memberships as various debates and even prime ministers question time moves from across the table to inside the round cage fighting ring due to be installed , within the house of commons. Prime ministers question time will be peak time viewing.
Friday, 9 October 2009
Thursday, 8 October 2009
Monday, 5 October 2009
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
As i was typing this garbage i remembered watching a documentary about the SHAOLIN priests. They were swinging these ropes with blades attached all around their body,under their feet and bouncing off their back like a rap dancer body popping, or whatever as the cable went under them, very odd, but no doubt very effective. But as we're not allowed to wander around with knives and sharp things, so i believe. Maybe its time to adapt, so the shaolin could be deadly with a mobile charger or ladysoft leg razor recharger.
Friday, 25 September 2009
Monday, 21 September 2009
As i wandered through the hustling n' bustling streets of the fine city of clutter that is Liverpool, i wandered past the famous Liverpool Playhouse theatre. I'm highly cultured me y'know i pass posh theatres on my way to scabby back street boozers and drinking dens. Leaning against a poster advertising the playhouses production of 'THE POSTMAN.....(A PLAY BY HAROLD PINTER)', was a cultured 'scally' with his finger shoved so far up his nose it was sticking out of the opposite ear. There he was in a world of his own picking his nose, with n'are a care in the world. I found this a comforting sight and smiled to myself. Nobody picks their nose anymore, it has become a dying art ,another good old British tradition fading away. Nowadays all the kids n' scallies walk around 'gobbing' all over the place, not nice at all , not like picking your nose.
Friday, 11 September 2009
Now that a suitable period of mourning has passed since the sad loss of poor old Buster. Life, has settled into its usual parade and collection of tedium ,frustration and general irritants and annoyances. As you all know, on the whole i'm a pretty wonderful person. Theres always a smile. Just not quite sure where it is. I've looked everywhere for it, under cupboards, back of couches, but can't quite find it at the moment. So i'm making do with an old scowl i used to wear a lot when i was younger. But there is something that would wipe the smile off my face, if i had it. And even the scowl isn't enough to express my total, complete and utter anger and irritation of this 'thing' that 'gets on my tits', every single morning as i sit there with my toast and boiled for 4 minutes, precisely pair of eggs, in front of the telly.
Monday, 7 September 2009
Thursday, 3 September 2009
TOMMY WAS A DEAF DUMB 'N' BLIND BOY WHO COULD PLAY A MEAN PIN-BALL,BUT AT 6.30.A.M, TIMMY'S DEAF, DUMB 'N' BLIND AND CAN PLAY F***K ALL !!
Friday, 28 August 2009
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
IT IS NOW OFFICIALLY WINTER...THE XXX'IN X FACTOR AND STRICTLY COME DANCING ARE BACK ON THE TELLY !!!!!
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
Friday, 14 August 2009
In reply to a comment from the lovely Cathy Simpson about me being her lord of the jungle, the lovely lady doesnt realise how close she is to the truth. When i lived in India i spent a little time exploring jungles and forests. I gave a few good RON ELY ,TARZAN calls ,which in the telly series would've had the jungle stampeding. But some bird just fluttered away from me. It's not that easy being king of the jungle. And you never meet those cute little chimps like Tarzans friend CHEETAH. The apes were nasty dirty flea-infested shit covered pains ,best kept well away from. When we lived in Malaysia the compound we lived on was the stomping ground of an aged bad tempered baboon type ape and there was nothing nice about him. He went for a few people , including me .I belted him with a plastic chair and henceforth we just sneered at each other. A friend of ours was sitting on a settee in the living room, reading a paper when his missus came out of the bathroom. He thought she'd been sitting beside him, when she advised him to carefully look to the side, he carefully looked up to see this bloody baboon sitting on the settee picking at his snack, he, then not so carefully shifted very sharpish. The compound security people went to "stun him, sir!".....They certainly did that, stunning us as well, by blowing his bloody head off. So i wasn't a king of the apes either
Friday, 7 August 2009
Tuesday, 4 August 2009
WITH EINSTEIN'S 'GENERAL THEORY OF RELATIVITY' ALSO LEAD TO 'THE RELATIVE THEORY OF GENERAL INSANITY'.
Wednesday, 22 July 2009
Even today the conspiracy theorists are still blathering on about shadows; Reflections in visors; Flags waving; Multiple shadows; Lack of blast craters and on and on. As i've said before the yanks cant keep a secret among a few people for long ,never mind thousands for 40- odd years. It must be frustrating for the astronauts. I had to laugh when i read about BUZZ ALDRIN giving somebody who claimed he'd never gone to the moon, a 'smack in the gob.'Good on yer, Buzz. I've been watching programmes over the last week or so and some of the re-digitallised lunar footage is ,to me ,truly mindblowing, after all this time .The 9-year old schoolboy is now a 49 year old schoolboy. And to complete this nostalgia fest. I recently mentioned DANNI and DISHI(over on the links)These are the people who supply the comics on disc. They sent me a disc with all the old COUNTDOWN comics on.Countdown was a sort of extension of the TV21. But they used to feature a lot about the APOLLO programme. I remember the first issue with , GERRY ANDERSON'S ,U.F.O.Thunderbirds, Fireball, Stingray;JON PERTWEE'S Dr Who, and stuff ,but with a huge free gift. A poster that you had to add stickers over the weeks to, to show the whole Apollo moon shots n' stuff. I, of course filled it up and it held pride of place on my bedroom wall ,right up there with the BRUCE LEE posters.