Wednesday, 17 January 2018


What did my ol' mam do to encourage my  slide from grace into the dark dingy world of the cartoonist?.....In the beginning ,quite frankly ,not a lot !

My dad was the fellah. He used to be a graphic artist in the days when adverts were ink drawings and he was superb with ink . As an artist he was great , a damn site better than i ever grew to be . In his days in some intelligence unit in the RAF after the war he travelled all around Western and Eastern Europe and had beautiful ink drawings of buildings and churches and cathedrals which he gave to a thouroughly unimpressed young son. 

I remember he arranged for comics to be delivered to the house in the days of paper boys in the 60's and on a Tuesday evenin ,i was breathless with excitment waiting for the VALIENT, the LION, and esspecially the TV21 to thud to the mat along with the good old LIVERPOOL ECHO. Then one day he came home with a big bundle ...Only 4 years supply of the VICTOR comic, spent the next couple of weeks lying on my belly on the floor transfixed with the 'TOUGH OF THE TRACK'; 'BRADDOCK OF THE BOMBERS'; KILLER KENNEDY'....And on it went, jeez!..I was a 'pig in shite!'...Some of his co-workers in FORDS heard about the comic mad son and gave me dad bundles of comics ,ah happy days. I think my mum liked it as i was the quietest she'd ever known me to be .

I discovered the cartoonist RIGBY  in the SUN newspaper with his hidden little boy and bird in every drawing , dad'd help me to find them ,he helped me put a RIGBY scrapbook together. BILL TIDY used to draw the weeks news on GRANADA REPORTS  on a Friday teatime, me n' dad loved it as he zoomed through his drawings as he talked through the events of the week in minutes flat . Thats when i went from drawing spitfires and Lancasters as well as spaceships to silly squiggly cartoon characters. Dad even brought a few MAD  magazines from the lads at the factory. And i discovered DON MARTIN, ARAGONES, DRUCKER, et al !

These were the glory days when every newspaper and magazine had cartoons. Dad encouraged me to draw 'gags' as i made him laugh and he used to have some good ideas and he encouraged me to send stuff off and when i got stuff published  he encouraged me to hawk my stuff around FLEET ST !...Not the most fun packed experiance if your not used to rejection, but that was one way of getting used to it.

The potential cartooning genius had become a compulsive doodler while still at school , people still remember pictures i did of teachers in between Thunderbirds and Interceptors from UFO And Eagles from SPACE 1999. This period of honing my skills unfortunatly coincided with an intensive supposed period of study ,so maybe not too suprisingly my reports and exam results left something to be desired ,culminating in me getting my arse kicked out of a bloody good school. I could've salvaged something and done art, but chose Biology instead , no i don't know why !

Not too suprisingly dad was dissapointed ,but mum was raging mad !....Did some 'normal ' jobs and got stuff published  so eased the parental disgust over the years, but my teens and the following years got me lots of trouble and sackings from jobs . MAGGIE THATCHER started the govt enterprise scheme and i became my own boss as i'd started the live caricature work and i was doing studio work before the computers screwed it all up. Mum had eased up on me and was quite proud when customers were telling her how good 'her Tim' was !

Her brothers in Ireland working on farms and building considered drawing and esspecially drawing cartoons as nothing like a job and i was dismissed as a lazy waste of time much to my mums pain. But i started doing well, i had a daily newspaper strip and started on a range of greetings cards and for a few years was raking it in. I was on more money than 'the workers' who were knocking me ,i even bought the family home off my mother much to her disbelieving joy.

I think the main moment for my mum when she was proudest and able to show me off was one day in the RATHDRUM CARTOON FESTIVAL during the late 90's, she'd fought in my corner when anybody put me down ,apparently, but she came into the village and i was sitting there with the other lads drinking and banging out the caricatures to a long queue of people and spreading joy and wonderment to the visitors as we do. My uncle the builder couldnt believe his eyes and his ears after mum put him right on a few things. After that mum didn't have to put up with her lad getting stick. Ever since that day ,i think she was shocked and suprised and realised that i wasn't quite the useless deadbeat she suspected i was and ever since shes backed and supported me through the ,has to be said 'drought -ridden years we all suffer through. 

She says she always had faith i would be ok and successful, but i remember it slightly different, when she saw i was giving it a go she thought 'just maybe!', but she wouldn't stand for anyone putting me down and when i was earning and she saw us hammering out work and even doing jobs abroad she was amazed and suddenly proud..I'd won her over, eventually !

Tuesday, 17 October 2017


kim jong un the new nutter on the block!
Throughout history the world has been run by kings ,emperors, Fakirs ,etc ,all living in the lap of luxury ,but when they got bored called up the starving subjects to march across countries to invade somebody and have a good war.

ALthough they were probably nuts ,many were actual warriors and would show their regal gob on the battlefield which ,in those long gone times actually inspired their men to fight....Can you imagine any of our leaders on the battlefield filling us with inspiration nowadays.

last century we had The Duke of Wellington fighting a clever little odd bod called Napolean ,known in legend as a dwarf with his hand inside his jacket all the time, but he ,apparently was perfectly normal sized and normal and very clever ,The Frogs (now with them farting about over Brexit ,400 men to go from Vauxhall and owning companies over her, we don't have to be nice to them ! anymore)....Well they worshipped their emperor. And probably with good reason , but then we had Waterloo....That shut les gobs!

The first world war didn't really have a central character, not until a greasy haired comb over with a snotty little moustache named ADOLPH HITLER decided to take over the world. His far right beliefs got rid of all kinds of races ,religions in the quest for land for the Germans and purity of race. Short arsed little runt who fancied himself as an artist ,but couldn't make it ,so years of war and destruction and  planned extermination of millions of men women and children just cos he got upset !

Mussollini was the dictator in charge in Italy ,a really odd baldy bulging eyed weirdo ,very animated and when he spoke you could probably hear it in England. He was jealous of Hitler and wanted the Italian military to show what they could do ,which to be honest wasn't much, aside from being beaten and surrendering in mind boggling numbers. Apparently very fond of the ladies, to show how stupid he was ,he built a series around a lake ,in fact they appear in the opening of the James Bond film, 'Quantum of Solace' in a car chase. Musso' ,as he was named in a cartoon strip named the longer tunnels after his favourite women and the shorter after the not so highly thought of ...If thats not living on the edge ,tell me what is .

Around the same time we made friends with one evil bastard JOSEPH STALIN...In charge of Russia ,he was a bear of a man who ruled with an iron paw. He and Hitler made a pact and would split what they could strip from countries they intended to over run ,but Hitler being a bad person betrayed him and invaded Russia and us Brits sent Russia as much aid as we could , the countries gradually starving but we sent supplies and lives on the Artic convoys to supply Stalin.
He shot himself in the foot as being totally ruthless and paranoid he shot a mass of his best generals , so when the Germans were at the gates of Moscow and fighting for Stalingrad it was the Russian winter that beat the Germans . Stalin ordered that anyone comes back from the front or escapes the Germans to be shot for cowardice....Alround sweet'eart he was !

But in more recent times our nutjobs are in the middle east and muslim lands . .SADDAM HUSSEIN was in charge in his lovely palaces with the goverment and military run by his mind boglingly rich family. In charge of Iraq . He fancied himself as a noble military leaderalways in military ftigues ,probably designer fitted and a beret. He was a hard leader and people were tortured and a harsh regime was ruled by his iron fist . When the good ol yanks and uk under our noble leader TONY BLAIR in vaded and got rid of poor old sad Saddam. His country decended into anarchy and chaos which it's never recovered , It seems the Muslim people are only content with an absolute bastard in charge ,as he ,like the military ,sunglass clad ,medal collecting leader in LIBYA , COLONEL GADDAFFI. He was an equal totally nuts bastard ruling with an iron fist , but he was  home for terrorists ,the Lockerbie bombing ; The SAS seige of the London Libyan embassy, etc . When he went the militant muslim chaos ensued

Iran was quite a trendy fashionable place when the SHAH ran the place ,but the extreme muslim faction under the evil eyed AYATOLLAH  moved in and strict muslim law was enforced, as well as a ruck of nuclear missiles so its believed .

And our latest totally bonkers leader of men is that hilarious KIM JONG UN in charge of NORTH KOREA who are happy to starve their people to pay for their military expansion and the nuclear missiles which are going to hit America ,"imminentally"!

Next weirdo ,with a funny hair cut, moustache, etc, just watch what you say , he could be running the worlds nuclear arsenal or concenteration camps before you know it !

Monday, 16 October 2017


People of the utmost moral standing ,like priests n' politicians are always preaching in the religious anp political pious way how the most important thing in life is 'THE TRUTH!'....

Coming from priests is part of the job description.....But the truth in a politicians hands , it becomes an effective tool which can be used and twisted to fit the occassion for which the honest truth is needed. Both these sets of fine upstanding pillocks of the community are able and more than ready to preach on the importance of the truth and honesty to everybody ,but themselves. A dishonest politician , never ,true as the day is green ! And the catholic church and all the other holy mafias have lots of terrible secrets under their cassocks, togas and turbans.....The simple truth is it's a load of bollocks ,truly!

Wherever you go in your daily life you are surrounded by people trying to sell you things , preach to you ,get you to vote for their parties ,all these sources of the truth are from people , companies trying to entice you with what you , or they think you want to hear ,or see to entice you into doing what the truth will drive you to.

The world and life is filled with lies and deciet from every where and we all know it and really don't mind. We know about the church ,the greasy politicians ,salesmen and advertising ,the whole world is lies disguised as the truth  and we really don't mind .

You might be faced with obvious lies about something closer to home, a relationship or something ,for instance and can be upsetting, but when the truth comes out . ...? The 'TRUTH' really is the heavy artilliary and if you think about it , unless you've already been lied to and gone through suffering and pain over something and being a victim of lies and deceit , occassionally somebody'll come and tell you 'the truth' and , hopefully joy and happiness will prevail , but not often. When the Truth becomes an important factor in the equation it is going to cause ,mind numbing pain and ussually emotional disaster. If anything is going to flatten you it is the truth over something , very rarely is truth exclusively linked to joy and happiness ,when the truth is dragged to firing position and the bitter facts reveal the true story the explosive shells of explosive facts decimate your beliefs  and trust.

At the end of the day if the truth is harmless ,the subject isn't particually important ,so the truth would've been known from the beginning  Lies wont have you slashing your wrists ,popping pills and guzzling paint stripper, but the truth can, lies cover up the truth ,but the truth doesn't cover up the lies!......Basically don't tell me the truth .....Just tell me lies about  what i want to hear ! 

Wednesday, 11 October 2017


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When i was a kid , my dad was the oldest man alive. He was that monsterous age of 30 when he took delivery me with a little help from me mam !....When i was 10 , he was 40....And still alive at that incredible age. It seems very strange now , i'm 57 not becoming a dad until i was in the last flagging days of my 30's. The daughter thinks i'm a miserable old fart ,but as to wether she thinks of me as the oldest miserable fart in the world i don't know, but i wouldn't be suprised.

In the old days couples fell in love and 'courted!'....After a long time their engagement followed by years of innocent romance then marriage and eventually the happy couple would have the post marriage 'filling of the boots' and eventually the kids'd start tumbling out. 

In them far flung innocent times dads were a lot older and looked it and wore ties around the house, as well as puffing on ciggies as they slobbed on the couch puffing on their fags in cardigan n' slippers. Then in years later they'd evolve into grandads often swapping the ciggies for a constantly smoking pipe. My dad never got to that stage ,as after a brief sojurn at her Majesty's pleasure in Strangeways Prison in Manchester he started smoking 'Rollies'...Whereas ciggies ,smouldered ,rollies fizzled like fuse wire, ash tumbling onto his lap as he frantically rolled the next one. They used to say 'Rollies' were made from dog shit n' bus tickets !.....There was a bloody good reason for that !

The years passed on and the young lovers got younger and the period of courting got shorter and dissappeared as the 'filling of the boots ' phase came around much earlier and marriages had to be hurriedly arranged before the 'signs' of the forthcoming sprog became too apparent and shame was averted. Later in the marital evolution , the birth was before the wedding , couples getting younger and younger. Now the parents are about the age of what would've been an elder brother or sister.

When we were kids we were never in the house and dads were kept from daughters ,girl problems , but were given responsibility for the boys , who are just trouble. Dads were wise and knew everything as i wasn't bothered about learning and knowledge as i just wanted to be outside running around the streets.

When we got into trouble ,i'd get a good smack off me 'awl fellah!'...Didn't bother me and i looked foreward to the day when i'd have darling kids of my own i could kick the living daylight out of ,but we live in enlightened times and we're not allowed to raise our hands....Life can be so unfair!

Nowadays the computer generation is upon us and my generation have been left way behind by our housebound computer game ,playing ,texting kids. My daughter thinks i'm a brainless turd . If i ask her to give me a hand ,you can hear the sighs, tsks ,and various respiratory sounds of impatience , like the boiler of an average steam locomotive....This combined with almost impossible rolling of bulging eyeballs....Dads are firmly in their place . In our house it was ...
1) The Dog
2)the kid
3)the missus...
4) Dad

Nowadays trendy young dads are equally gened up on computers and social media ,etc. In shopping malls families aren't a couple with screaming kids , but all quiet as they mooch around all texting, so all is peace n' quiet. So daddy isn't important at all, just supplying new computer games when needed. They look smart n' trendy with tight fitting jeans and trainers ,n' footy shirt. 

The days of proper dads and dads looking like proper dads may have changed with the changing social climate and the crash in the cardigan market, but one thing that never changes is mums n' wives get something special ,kids get their ,once upon a time toys, but all soft wear now ,but dads still get the SOCKS, SHIRTS N' AFTER SHAVE ..All the time ! ,

Friday, 8 September 2017



In the good ol prehistoric primevil days 10,000,000 before they invented religion n' all the shit hit the fan for the rest of eternity...And the women looked like Raquel Welsh, the groups of cave persons....Youve got to be PC even in prehistoric references...Wandered the lands as hunters killing their food with sticks n' clubs which must've been awkward for capturing a Tyrannosaurus or hairy mammoth for tea!
As they ate nothing but raw meat before they learnt how to burn it with the invention of fire, they were full of proteins and  were more prone to cancer and dying as well as erectile dysfunction. One day some bearded wandering caveman looking for a dinosaur to scoff thought that a bit of Brontasaurus would taste a lot better with some chips, but he was knackered as chips are made from vegetables and vegetables hadn't been invented.
Meanwhile up in the smartarse part of the world ,in them days anyway in Egypt on the banks of the Nile there was lots of Egyptians living there and they ate fruits and berries and somebody thought that some of their food would be nice in a butty!...So they invented things like wheat and corn and invented bread and the sandwich.
Instead of wandering the land hunting they stayed by the river Nile were it wasn't all sand ,but mud and soil, they found by digging holes and putting funny coloured grass into the holes and discovered crops,i've no idea how they decided that it would be good to eat. Even more how wheat n cereal crops like they got aren't edible unless you treat and cook it into things like bread and porridge, how did the invent scottish breakfast cereal in Egypt?
They invented a sharp blade to carve trenches in the mud and called it a plough and people instead of wandering the land worked the land ,planting all kinds and vegetables were finally invented....Although they never invented the potato, the Irish did that and England invented the chip!
The hunter who run n' jumped about ,dying at an early age of bowel cancer, unable 'to get it up!' was replaced by a slower moving slightly stooped, bad tempered character with lots of muck in the grooves of their hand palms and under their jagged finger nails, chewing on bits of raw veg and later tobacco, which helped them develop the ability to spit huge globules of spit over equally vast distances with great accuracy! These very odd characters evolved into the modern farmer.
The hunters died out and the home loving farmers took root like their crops in little residences surrounded by fields full of crops , these places for farmers to live in were named 'farms!'
Over the centuries people still liked meat , they didn't become vegetarians , they liked their meat n' 2 veg ...This is probably a good thing ,apparently vegetables are good for you ,but in my own case ,although i've had very pleasant vegetable dinners , a veggie dinner gives me absolutly shockin' wind, i'm farting my brains out for a day or so. If the human race'd given up meat the planets greenhouse effect would've kicked in long long ago.
Animals moved into the farming routine and in some cases took over the routine of the farm . My family came from a dairy farm in the bogs of Ireland. Cows evolved so as to spend the day munching grass and to convert the grass via a line of stomachs to milk from ridiculousyhuge sack with 4 tits ,or udders, which allow them to be traditionally pulled by the farmers hands and a few buckets per cow a day, but now they are given a form of mechanical blow job...I'd imagine lifes not too bad for the cows. The bulls dont have it too bad either and are put into fields to 'fill their boots' with the lady cows, aside from 'spreading his seed ,a bull is used for his meat in another respect , mainly as food for us carnivourous blood dripping steak loving humans.
The wild boar has been replaced by the domesticated pig ,slopping about in his sty getting fat to be carved up for us carnivourous bacon butty loving humans !
Sheep are a strange creature whose fur has mutated so that us cold , trendy ,dapper humans can wear woolen socks ,suits ,sweaters to look dead smart and to block up the filter in your washing machine and spin dryer. When the sheep start losing their hair as all of us at a certain age the become lamb sunday dinners ,lovely ,but exspensive which i'm sure they'd be glad to know!
Horses have been tamed through the centuries ,from a form of transport ,the military had sleek stallion type horses to gallop around the land. Big hairy shire horse types were used to pull farm produce and were the workhorses, you dont really see them that much now ,the other sleek horses are for kids to ride as a hobby and as racehorses for the rich to gamble on and for those on benefits to help stay in the pub all the week, day n' night. Horses are bred n' trained on specific properties with stables and fields to leg around ,not really farms...My dad hated horses ,always said.."Bloody 'orses!..Dangerous both ends and bloody uncomfortable in the middle!"
Farmers are totally cold blooded when it comes to animals and their deaths. They devote their live 24/7 to maintaining the farm and keeping their stock healthy. My Granny would without a blink pick up a chicken in the yard and snap its neck and that was for dinner that day.
Farms have a variety of interesting smells, basically the smell of various animal shit!...I always quite liked cow muck ,not too pungent. Pigs are pungent ,but i got used to it and quite liked it, Horse shit ,just plain stinks!....May be good for the roses ,but not for me!

Thursday, 23 February 2017



In my younger days of early Karate training ,like all youngsters i wanted to be tough n' hard and tensed muscles all the time and jaw ache from clenching my teeth. This was before i discovered the arts of relaxation after the science of pure bone idleness. I discovered Tai-Chi and the incredible speed and power that training slowly and gently with proper breathing can give you. This was a real eye opening moment ,the holy grail for a died in the wooly-bed blanket lazy bastard !

We used to go to boozers all over the place on our'jolly boys outings!' After a 'skinful' it was time to put the locals in their place. As the groups muscely little bugger i got pulled into the arm wrestling and grinding of teeth ,muscle popping grunting n' straining ensued. I didn't do too bad ,but the tendons in the wrist and in the crook of the arm got a good straining.

Managed to ease off all this silly stuff and recently i had an arm wrestle and relaxed myself instead of powering into it and "dang my thighs" if it didn't work !?....The secret to everything is relaxation, simple as that ,but it's hard to totally relax ,knackering stuff this relaxation, let me tell you !



Wednesday, 22 February 2017


Being a child of the 60's.....i grew up straining my eyes at a tiny screen inside a huge 2ft wide box that was 4ft deep, due to thosemassive cathode ray tubes and glass tubes that took about 20 minutes to warm up once the set had been turned on. The actual act of turning on those early sets was a risky operation as the switches were mainly clunky knobs. The twisting of those clunky knobs was a hernia -producing task.

The on off was one huge clunk, but the channel selector was a  mass of clunks, well a few as there was only two channels , the good ol 'beeb' n' ITV. Later ,of course came the intellectual odd one ,BEEB2. In those old days the pictures were not so much black n' white, but grey n' grey. I seem to remember lots of cowboys and American detectives and British cops as in Z-Cars with its distinctive theme tune which they still play at the Everton ground at Goodison park.

Lots of Irwin Allen stuff  like 'Voyage to the bottom of the sea'; 'Lost in space', but we beat them when a certain white haired bad tempered time lord in a telephone box arrived quietly , but then exploded with the pepperpot Daleks! With its distorted blobby opening titles and etherial music with hissing and ashmatic wheezing was wonderful and at the time terrifying with the famous possible urban myth that people hid behind the settee when the good Doctor and various lousy special effected monsters were on. The fact that you could hide behind the settee shows how things have changed. The settee was in the middle of the room close up to the telly. Not over against the far wall where it doesn't matter how far away you are from the 76 inch flat screen telly on the far side of the room. Even if you could hide behind the settee the kids wouldn't ,they've been spoiled by wonderful realer than reality special CGI effects the wonderful fear the imagination could instill has dissappeared and gone.

Another favourite of mine which many dont remember was a telly version of the 'Dirty Dozen', but there was only four in 'Garrisons Gorillas!'....Always behind enemy lines in German uniforms blasting away with Schmeisser machine guns. I got the DVD's and like many revisits to your past , it never quite hits the hoped for nostalgic G-Spot. One that did ,i still love was the spy series with the meanest assassin of all, Edward Woodward as 'Callan', still brilliant.

Boyhood excitment peaked with Apollo 8 going around the back of the moon, then Apollo 11 landing on the moon. At this stage i was a space mad nut thanks to a certain Gerry Anderson and his puppet and string Supermarination series of Thunderbirds, Stingray,Superca,Fireball XL5 and my favourite the real life UFO.

The clunky knobs were replaced by swimming pool diving board-like press buttons and ,wonderful colour! In those long never to be forgotten days we used to go outside to play, but if there was a big film on ,like on a Saturday evening we'd go home to watch it ,as stuff didn't get repeated very often. so if you missed it ,you waited for years. I remember the excitment of the first Bond film on telly.

We never had BBC2 for a long time and on a Monday evening at 8 o'clock, ITV had news in 'World in Action ,whilst the 'BEEB' had Panorama, yet another news show, but on BEEB2 which we could hear, but not see they used to have 'The High Chaperal', or Alias Smith and Jones'. Then 'Oh joy be unrestrained we finally got BEEB2  with a picture so lots of cowies n' indians and no more news and current affairs.

As the years and tellys evolved the main drawback about colour telly was that colour telly was a lot clearer and the effects which were crappy in the days of black n' white were missed , but not with colour, remember the Jon Pertwee Doctor Who onwards for many years and the great soap 'Crossroads', a Birmimgham motel made of cardboard.

Then came the video and you could keep all the programmes in the growing heap of tapes that we all have and i'm afraid to admit still have. All the action and adventure dried up and replaced by soaps and game shows were ,if you were lucky you'd win a toaster. More channels flooded in with the onset of sky.
Nowadays the millions of channels we flick through with our very handy and looseable hand sized remote controls, have mainly repeats of stuff thats been on twice that same day. These days people dont want to be in a band or musicians playing gigs, etc, they just want to be pop stars ,so singing into their hairbrush is enough to get them onto the talent spotting shows that infest our telly weekend nights as in The X-Factor. The talent moved from singing to dancing to ice slating and everything is geared to 'the Celebrity!', a person whose just famous for being famous. The calendar doesn't chart the year anymore ,its what celebrity talent show is on ,Strictly Comes Dancing'; X-Factor and 'I'm a celebrity get me out of here!'
A very odd thing is the amount of adverts for training and sport training DVD's as we all need our core developed and a 6-pack ,by dancing to the instructions coming from your telly as you dance or shadow box on the mat in front of the set.....Very odd!

We're all spoiled for choice ,but unlike in the days of 2 channels were every day was different , now we have hundreds of channels all the same ,shite!

Tuesday, 24 January 2017



Ah well its happened! A certain MR DONALD TRUMP, A multi billion, trillion quinti- squillionaire of the parish of Manhatten New York has gone from being possibly the richest most powerful man in the U.S.A. to being .....The richest most powerful man ...In the U.S.A. Only the President, but wether the president is the most powerful man in the states is debateable, he's the face that gets to shake hands around the world, don't know if he actually does anything, rather like our prime minister, as we all know who do fuck all . Any politician would know the best place to be is 'IN OPPOSITION!', as on the other powerless side of the house ,you don't actually have to do anything just slag off everything the goverment haven't done, but are proposing to do, the trouble starts if you get voted in.


It is for this reason that the LABOUR PARTY have as their leader a dedicated ,but totally useless waste of time as party leader OL RED JEZZA CORBYN....Who has lots to say, but nothing to do  and hasn't a chance of leading the party to leave the opposition benches into the goverment seats which, i would imagine makes many of the bone idle ,lazy, exspense fiddling responsibility- phobic M.P's of the opposition LABOUR seats more than happy

The goverment  have had a busy year having the BREXIT VOTE and  the majority voted to leave our 'friends?' in Europe...We live in a democracy and the basic premiss of that is we vote for 'whatever' and who ever gets the most votes wins, it was voted to leave the EU, but the losing minority aren't happy with this as , apparently all those who voted to leave are scrounging rascists from 'Up North!'.....I don't pretend to understand the 'ins n' outs' of it all, but the vote was passed and as far as my simple naive political mind is concerned 'thats it!

Over the pond the same sort of thing has happened. The vote for the presidential election  took place and DONALD, gawd bless him won. But he won in the home of democracy and 'moms apple pie' as the yanks like to think of their home , but those who were fairly beaten demonstrated and  voiced their disagreement of the election process that runs the country.....Personnally i think its not the new president thats nuts ,but the population when i watched 11-year old girl guides blasting away with automatic rifles.


Theres worried talk about the breakup of the EU and TRUMP being less than a fan of NATO, so the RUSSIANS are happy with the possible break up of those two  exclusive clubs. Will the cold war 'heat up' again?....Will the arms race start up again? The British wont be caught out , thats for sure so to show we don't take shit off anyone ,even our close allies and cousins we fired a TRIDENT MISSILE at the UNITED STATES....Trump wants America to be great, but TERESA MAY  might be  kickstarting THE BRITISH EMPIRE again ,i'm expecting my call up papers any day soon.....

Friday, 13 January 2017


The whole world hates the American presidential elections as they last , so it seems longer than the term that the existing president gets to spend in the White house after winning the last 'slog'!...Boring as shit! is a good description of the whole 'circus', but for a reason i cannot fathom the Yanks love it and like a Supergroup rock tour they have political rallies filled with flag waving screaming fans????....I honestly wouldn't turn my head to look at any British politician if they walked past in town , i genuinally hate the slimey bastards.

The whole world has been thrown into chaos ,not by two people, but by one man. Hilary Clinton is an experianced politician and has flounced arounds the corridors of power for years under various presidents ,even her husband, who had a few other WhiteHouse ladies under him as Hilary was over him ,i can't imagine her taking orders from the hubbie.

No, the force of nature was a hairpiece with minds of its own like the mythical GORGON atop the head of a certain DONALD TRUMP, possibly the most powerful buisnessman on the planet. He virtually ran the country ,so thought "Gee!..Why not go the whole hog!" and actually run the whole sheebang!?

Politics n' politicians are all the same and all faith has been destroyed as each candidate and party change, but nothing else changes. If Hilary'd got in i doubt things would've changed much, but one thing about Donald is that there will be change, wether that change is good or bad is yet to be seen. The man is totally un-P.C. and offended lots of people and angered all kinds all over, the political version of the atom bomb. He's an opinionated hard nosed buisnessman and isn't afraid of confrontation. He has no speechwriters, etc, he's quite happy and visably enjoys facing the press and announcing to anyone his intentions on Twitter, i think it is amazing !

Attacking immigrants ,building walls to cut off mexico and all points south; Building up nuclear weapons?...Wether the yanks actually reduced them to levels they claim is debatable, the US are the most paranoid n' Xenophobic nation on the planet, the Chinese n' Ruskies are definitly not angels, but those military medal clad nutters who run the place are just as nuts as those in the Pentagon. Trumps a hard man and knows power and control , he'll be right at home. Politics over the next few years should be ,shall we say interesting?

A mercenary ex British M.I.6. man reckons the Russians are hacking n' blackmailing Trump and American political stuff with film of Trump haven't naughties with Russian ladies in Russian hotels, etc, but Trump came out thouroughly unflustered and denied it all pointing out he realises that he's a target for foreign intelligence and most hotels etc he stays in on foreign trips theres been cameras set up and asked "Am i stupid enough to do all this while being filmed?", he may have a point. Whereas most politicians would crumble under these 'allegations' and resign to 'Do some gardening!', It's just another day at the office for DONALD TRUMP !

Tuesday, 10 January 2017



Well thats that!....Another gut-busting ; brain pickling fortnight over with as the festive gluttony and piss-up is now done n' dusted. The decorations are down and the new year resolutions are starting to wither ,die and be forgotten as the new year builds up and our will power dies out.

Go on , admit it you were going to lose weight; go to the gymn; Read more books; Basically all the stuff you were determined to do the last 10 New Years!!!....Christmas is now over as all the christmas film channels on Sky have stopped ,but it does feel a little like its just starting as you watch all the programmes you've recorded over the weeks and they've still got the lead up adverts to christmas ,so theres people in party hats joyously cooking and pouring gravy over turkeys. I'm ploughing through the X-Files and Spooks and whizzing hi-speed between level 12 and 6 on the fast foreward on the remote and seeing blurred festive families and turkeys and kids playing in the snow. I then have to watch a little backwards a little slower as i fly past the beginning of the next part of the programme and have to rewind to get to the restart.

In the 'old days' programmes started with a theme tune and showing the stars then on it went. The breaks had 'End of part one', or whatever , then 'Part two', or whatever. Nowadays programmes just start and as it goes on for the next twenty minutes you get the names of producers, directors, etc and the break is just that...'Zip!'..Gone to ads. Likewise when it restarts ...'Zip!...Ads finish and instantly back to programme. A problem is that as you whizz through the fast foreward the ads before the reumption of the programme is some forthcoming programmes , even future episodes of what your watching so you have no idea when to press play again, so you'll end up half way through the next half unaware the adverts have finished.

But we had a 'good' un' while it lasted. Now i've got to get another 7 months stint of work around the other side of the world to help pay for the next christmas. The fine busy caricaturist month of December kicked off with nothing for yours truly, then a rush of work came through, oh joy be unrestrained thought i !........Then after knocking a few other gigs off as the dates clashed the originals decided to cancel, so i got a few , but nothing like it looked like being at one point, bastards!

Anyhow , one n' all hope it went well and the New year is a 'Blast', lets live each day as it's meant to be.

Tuesday, 16 February 2016


A little scruffy shaggy haied fellah in slippers ,puffing on a pipe gazing into the distance on a comfy couch sometime around the beginning of the century by the power of thought alone discovered and solved all the problems of life the universe n' everything. A certain Mr ALBERT EINSTEIN and his infamous thought experiments. What would it be like to ride on a beam of light ,etc caused him to come out with ideas and theories that have had scientists trying to disprove all this time and with all the increasing technology and thousands , millions and now billions of various currencies and construction of amazing laboratories, machines and space probes basically still havent beaten 'ol Albert!'

One of his theories the GENERAL THEORY OF RELATIVITY isn't anything to do with how time drags and passes much slower when the family come to visit.....Which i'm sure can be scientiffically proven. It'd be interesting to see the equivalent E=MC2 formula for that one. But the theory created a thing called space time and how the mass of an object distorts space and time to form that ground sucking droopy body causing thing we call gravity.

Part of the theory that they've searched for with ridiculously exspensive massive and fantastically sensitive , mainly laser beam -themed devices is to detect a thing called GRAVITATIONAL WAVES caused by massive objects spinning around each other at increasing speeds , like BLACK HOLES and NEUTRON STARS and all kinds of interstellar goodies like that. These cause waves and ripples of distorted space time to drift across space. But through the years these incredibly sensitive lasers have picked up traffic in other countries and mouse farts from a 1000 miles away , but not our longed for theoretical Gravitational waves.

I discovered them years ago. They've been slamming into me after billions of light years journeys like a blacksmiths mallet flattening and tempering a plate of iron. This has left me tempered(bad!)...And flat out on my bed in the mornings unable to rise with the lark, but STEVE WRIGHT in the afternoon ,more like! It's not my fault , Einstein explained it and proved it ....I'm a victim of the forces of the universe.

Monday, 18 January 2016


    In the beginning when God gave Adam and part of his walking, talking ribcage, Eve a rent free patch of grass under a tree in the 'Garden of Eden' it must've been a very odd situation. They wouldn't have had a lot to talk about. Think about it , most couples today live in a high speed crowded whizz-bang exciting maelstrom of a world of which they steadfastly ignore, but prefer to watch the world around them on telly and goggling on computers and text everyone all around the country ,if not the world on various (un)social networks ignoring the people in the same house.
    Adam and Eve living in quiet idylic peaceful paradise wouldn't've had a sniff of anything anything like the 'paradise' we take for granted now. Conversation would be about 'the weather ', which was wonderful in paradise and where the best fig leaves could be found....Then turn in for an early night!
      One thing that Adam and Eve did an awful lot of was 'filling their boots' ,but as they hadn't invented boots it was called Begatting!.....They must've enjoyed a good begat as the first few chapters in the bible are full of their begattee's or offspring who took after mummy n' daddy and got into the rampant begatting . So enthusiastic were they that their begatting peopled the planet.
         There is a culinary point to this rambling through the 'good book'. Adam and Eve must've used up enough energy to power a nuclear fusion reactor. They must've eaten something and a lot of that something. God gave them all the fruit in the trees to stuff their faces with, except for one tree he said to keep away from ,but Eve ...Typical woman....Gets enticed by the devil disguised as a serpent who convinces her to take a chunk out of an apple ,which she does and sure enough the shit hits the fan and man is booted out of paradise into the real world where he has to grow there own food. Mind you paradise must 've started to honk a bit if they were eating nothing but fruit.
          Cooking is basically the preparation of food by heating it up and us dead clever humans are the only ones to do it. It's argued wether the first cooking fires were 250,000- 3,000,000 years ago, or were the early fires just accidents or for warmth, the later ones showed cooking utensils , egg wisks , stake knives ,frying pans, etc.
             They say that by heating up ,or cooking their scoff it made it a lot easier to eat meats ,veg and nuts ,etc and brain development started with a good cooked rare steak in stead of mangling our Homo-Erectusian gums on raw nuts.
              I assume with the development of cooking meat s and veg as one side product is juices that lead to primitive juices and gravy ancestors and the mixing up of various 'stuffs' which would one day be christened 'ingrediants' which, in turn would one day lead to 'mum's home cooking' and telly chefs by way of 'fast food!'
                When i were 'nobbut a lad' the chip shops were ...Just that!....Chip shops were you went for your "Fish chips n' mushy peas with lashings of salt n' vinegar!"...I'm drooling over the keyboard now....Lots of grease ,gristle ,fat n' batter and it was the same at home as everything was fried using ,lard or various oils for your nightly half a hundred weight of chips, fried meat ,fried eggs ,etc.....Doctors and every daytime telly show cookery presenters would choke with horror at the prospect of a full congealed chip pan being used for weeks on end. As we all know we should all be eating our 'green' and eating fruit. Fat ,oil, sugar ,salt all shockingly bad for you and appealing to the goverment to enforce bans on levels of all the stuff that gives food it's taste.
               In 'them days' 'fast food' wasn't really a big thing in the U.K. We had the great old 'GREASY SPOON CAFFS!' and i deny anybody to say the didn't love a bacon butty and a sugary cuppa from a cracked mug in one of those august venues on city streets and dock roads everywhere . All kinds of places that , shall we say those fine heroes at the Health and Safety might frown dubiously upon fed the working man, but they produced their own food which made some places better than others and some , shall we say not so better than others. This was the golden age of grease ,gristle and fat when cholesterol reached it's heights.....Greasy spoons, ciggies and the boozers ....Happy days.
                 Then the arrival of McDonalds and there rivals at the time ,although it seems to have been a Big Mac T.K.O....Wimpeys. They would always be opposite each other ,even side by side. The 'Fast Food chain' had hit our golden battered shores.
                    The chip shops became fast food ;Chinese/Indian, etc take aways and the flood gates opened and we all live on take aways. I for one when i bought my house in the 90's used to eat a chinese every single night of the week and grew heartily sick of them....One evening going home i bought a chicken and had a go at cooking that. I always ,and still do love a roast chicken, but this spurred me on to be a little more adventurous. Home cooking is still best ....Even mine!
                  The chains have jumped onto the love of home cooking and theres chains and chains of fast home cooked take away food jut like mom used to make!!?!
                       The Greasy Spoons are extinct as cafe chains are everywhere. In the old 'Spoons' they'd pour you a tea or coffee when you asked, in thes StarBucks , Costa's etc ,to get a drink theres pipes ,tubes ,valves i'm not sure they're making me a coffee or torpedoing a British convoy in the 'Battle of theAtlantic' the staff look like the crew of a German U-Boat. All to get a black coffee.
                         Nowadays people are getting driven nuts to be more health conscious So less fry-ups and more radiation!!? The good old micro-wave oven is geared to cook most of the packaged stuff in the shops ,all the ingrediants are there a skilled chef like yourself has to perforate the plastic cover and irradiate it for a few minutes and you have a bubbling mush!......Golly isn't technology gorgeous?
                         Up until recently we had a nifty little get-up called a Halogen Oven which consisted of a glass bowl with a heater that fitted over the top ,a cross between an oven and a grill which 'The Lovely Lynne' encouraged me to use as she doesn't like a dirty oven. One little thing you should watch out for is that you shouldnt put it on a surface in contact with a spin dryer as a very strange thing tends to happen.....The vibrations hurl it off the surface and causes it to be smashed to smithereens....Bloody Jamie Oliver and them never mentioned that ,the Bastards!
                        I do like my food and on the whole i'm an out n' out carnivore, but i do like veg, in fact i'm proud to say "I LOVE SPROUTS!" On occasions i'v had vegetarian dishes and much to my pleasant suprise i enjoyed them......For a while until 'THE DIVINE WIND' hit.....After a veggie dinner i tend to get absolutly shocking wind.
                        Years ago i stated with me ol' mate ,the great HUNT EMERSON as i was working at the N.E.C. in Birmingham. Hunt is a veggie and we had a couple of meals together which was very pleasant, but i kept under control in Emerson towers, restraining my self until the N.E.C.
                    When i had a bad accident in India and was laid up in bed with my legs in stirrups like a pregnant woman they fed me the hospital fare rice and veg, The guts gurgled and exploded shall we say quite regulary which was made worse by the fact the door was at the bottom of the bed and nurses etc had to walk through the blast zone.
                    Now we've gone from grease, gristle n' fat and touched on gas n' wind within which i'll include the telly chef. Every channel and time of the day or night is crammed full of chefs all now lovey dovey telly celebrities who we all apparently love as they'll end up on 'I'm a Celebrity get me outta here!'. But i bet they're all absolute bastards in the kitchen. The best was always Fanny Craddock and monocled Johnny, but even better was Benny Hill and Bob Todd as 'Fanny n' Johnny!'

Thursday, 3 December 2015


Every Kung Fu and Karate practitioner spends ages putting themselves through warm up and stretching excercises before and after the training session so they can throw high thrusting, snapping, roundhouse, spinning kicks of all kinds and angles ,front, side ,back, etc ,but all ,mainly due to films want to kick to their opponents head.

Without a doubt head kicks are most spectacular. Flatten someone with a spinnig back roundhouse kick and you'll feel and be thought of as the 'Dogs bollocks' until the next time you get beaten or flattened or use a boring low front snap kick and your arsenal of spectacular 'Dogs bollocks' kicks becomes the 'usual load o' bollocks!'

In non contact Karate competition the fighters tend to use lower wider stances and go for the high kicks whereas the full contact use narrower stances  and boxing style guards , but interestingly use low kicks to the outer and inner thighs, not so much the knees as damage can occur, mind you those nutty THAI BOXERS probably boot 'em anywhere ,they use lots of low painful kicks ,but since they train 23 1/2 hours , 7 days a week they can use high kicks to great effect to knock out opponents. Even MMA, etc don't use THAT much high kicks, using low kicks ,knees, fists, elbows and throws and locks as it's not point scoring it is beating your opponent in a fight.

Out in the ' mean streets ' People can, sadly get into a bit of grief! The fight, if it does 'kick off' will normally be the good ol 'KNUCKLE BUTTY!' Very rarely will anyone be able to launch a fight stopping kick to the head. Most martial artists are average blokes ,or ladies and the only way they will be able to get a kick up to the dizzying heights required is after a good 1/2 hour stretching warm up excercise session ,which, unfairly as it may seem , your opponent wont be the level of gentleman needed to allow his opponent to warm up.

The sad truth most people have seconds to dive into 'the mill' as the prizefighters used to call it. If 'our hero was to throw a head kick 99.99999%   will hear a variety or cacophany of a series of horrendous teeth grindingly awful sounds made worse as they come from your own body as ligaments and tendons twang; Joints click and crack, not only does it sound painful ,but it is painful and will be for days ,if not weeks after.

If you throw the kick ,not only may you cause untold suffering and strain upon your joints, but even those who could throw the kick are further restrained by the trousers they wear, it is ridiculous that we spend years turning into human fighting machines , as long as you wear the loose fighting pyjama-like Karate Gi we are fine. Then when we need to use our long hard learnt lessons we can't because we'll split our trousers. The energy needed to flatten your opponent will be drastically reduced by the energy required to tear the seams of your trousers apart!Which is worse the cracking and twanging of joints or the RRRIIIPPPING of your trousers in front of a full pub or in front of the girl of your dreams as well as your opponents mates?

The only fellah i knew who could walk into a fight and flatten multiple opponents with full blown Karate foot work  as he worked on club doors in his suit around clubs in Liverpool was the immortal TERRY O'NEILL,there are many stories of 'the guv'nor's exploits, Dig out DENNIS MARTIN'S book about life on the Liverpool doors, 'WORKING WITH WARRIORS'.

After years of clicking joints the slow TAI-CHI excercises have allowed me to kick high anytime, but again that is .....TROUSERS ALLOWING! 

Wednesday, 2 December 2015


These days we go to a restaurant and eat bits of squid and octopus for dinner or fried tentacles. I remember when i wuz 'nobbut a lad' when i thought that all those tentacle clad wee beasties were huge monsters dwelling beneath the waves as in the 60's there was a lot of science fiction on the telly and 'everything went.

I first saw my monster tentacle comming out of a steamy bog on the PLANET SKARO in a very early episode of DOCTOR WHO with the wonderful WILLIAM HARTNELL in them far flung black and white days. Planet Skaro was the home of THE DALEKS ,as if you didn't know. The tentacle came out of the bog clutched a good guy ,a race called THE THALS who were going to rescue the Doctor and his grandaughter SUSAN. The poor Thal was dragged into the gurgling bog

VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA was another classic sci-fi show about a n incredible super nuclear submarine called SEAVIEW. The Seaview would sail under the seven seas saving the world from aliens and monsters every week. Like most 60's series , because of the success of the 'camp' attitude of 'BATMAN' all the other series veered towards the 'camp!' All kinds of ridiculous monsters, robots, killer dolls, walking ,man eating plants ,witches, wizards, etc were dragged into ruin 'VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA'; 'LOST IN SPACE'  and some ,originally very promising series. But the SEAVIEW being underwater was prone to these massive be-tentacled creatures which'd wrestle the worlds mightiest nuclear sub to the bottom of the ocean. As this was happening there was always the crew getting thrown from side to side with clouds of sparks bursting out of bleeping flashing spectacular control panels. I seem to remember the ships bosses CAPTAIN CRANE and ADMIRAL NELSON get the engineer or 'SPARKS' to  boost an electric charge through the hull which would electrocute the octopus causing it to release them then they'd finish it off with a couple of torpedoes in its tentacle junction, tat would normally do the job before the end theme and the adverts could come on to a safe world again.

Another favourite for giant octopi....Was the wonderful GERRY ANDERSON creation  about anothe super sub 'STINGRAY'. A few exotic creatures with tentacles appeared throughout the series and electricity and Stingrays 'STING MISSILES' would do a similar job to the Seaview, but there was only a two man crew CAPTAIN TROY TEMPEST and PHONES as well as the sexy mute MARINA. THUNDERBIRDS also had a fondness for tentacled themed stories for ,mainly THUNDERBIRD 4, the submarine in the THUNDERBIRD fleet of rockets and craft. I seem to even remember SUPERCAR getting clutched by giant tentacles.

In  more modern days all these wonderful monsters have been neglected. Dinosaurs are going through a boom period at the moment, but theres nothing with giant tentacles coming from beneath the waves , unless its on your plate . .

Tuesday, 1 December 2015


Whenever a KARATE class starts for the first 20 minutes or so the students get into strange postures and bounce and jerk as they try and stretch and loosen their joints ,ligaments and tendons. Along with the grunting, groaning and gasping there is the odd click,crack and grinding sound as joints ,balls n' sockets ,etc bend in unusal angles and positions...Some may say unatural rather than unusual!

As you find yourself straining your ,mainly leg joints, you can hear the internal straining noises as your body grumbles and moans about the beastly treatment your putting your ever trustworthy frame through. 

As you go through all this you also are aware of the external and internal protestations of the bodies around you, some not as in possibly as good a physical state as yourself causing some real teeth clenching ,stomach churning joint grinding, cracking and oddly popping type sounds , but sometimes they can confuse you as you sometimes wonder was that tortured joint cracking your own knee or hip ball n' socket joint.

I remember one evening in a room full of straining grunting gasping students all in lines trying to adopt a sideways full splits, a very odd sight to a passer by. All the years i trained and stretched the one thing i never mastered or came near to was a sideways splits. I was fairly suptle and even with my short stubby legs allowed me to kick to head height even to this day.But this evening our instructor who was a real 'KNUCKLE CRACKER'....Knuckle crackers're a strange breed and are fascinated with the grinding crunch of  simultaneous 5 knuckles at a time 'CRAK! CRAK! CRAK! CRAK! CRAK! Some impressive ones can crack the thumb as well, but the more they do it the stiffer the fingers get and the easier and louder the knuckles crack!

As we stretched and strained in our attempts at the splits he walked behind and interlocked his fingers and did a thunderous 10 -KNUCKLE CRACK!!!.... I honestly shit myself convinced i'd  wrecked my hip joints and was on my way for plastic hips within the hour. As i looked about me in abject fear and panic waiting for the pain to kick in which it was bound to any second now! The strangest sight met me, everybody was like me , in that bloody awkward position, but also, like me they were looking from their groin, hips and around the room in blind abject panic! Then slowly the realisation that we weren't  lifelong cripples and paraplegics, but it was a knobhead instructor who passes his spare time cracking his knuckles kicked in and a collective sigh of relief filled the room . The relaxation helped us sink deeper into our sad attempt at the splits.

Like the cracking of knuckles where the joints stiffen and crack easier the more you do it, the stretching excercises , bending and bouncing which i followed faithfully for donkeys years i now realise didn't do a lot of good. After the training my hips would click and be stiff after being seated for a while. My knees were 'shocking!'...If i bent down i could guarantee an explosive 'KEEERRRAACCKK!!''....I remember being in WH SMITHS bending down for a magazine when my knees exploded and everybody in the shop just shuddered and clenched their teeth in horror and disgust ,i ended up apologising for my cracking knees.

Years later in my 40's i started TAI-CHI while living abroad and now i'm 55(ouch!)....I train in a Tai-Chi manner ,slow and relaxed . Ideal training for a lazy bastard ,the slower and more relaxed ,the better. But a very odd thing has happened . My speed and power as well as stamina has improved as breathing is very important. Try not breathing and see how far you get! But my suptleness is better now than when i was a youngster ,grunting ,tensing and straining and stretching .My joints dont click at all. Much as it pains me to admit it , in some respects i'm growing old gracefully, but in many other ways ,thankfully i'm making up for that by doing the rest thoroughly disgracefully i'm proud to say.

Monday, 30 November 2015


Last year it felt like christmas started about June. This year i feel like it has been quite quiet and we've been spared the x-Mas torture of non stop adverts of people in sweaters and bobble hats going up snowy roads to collect parcels wrapped in bows and wrapping paper on shelves ,i wonder how they know what they're buying as they're already wrapped up to go under the tree by the roaring log fire. At christmas ,everyone has a roaring log fire....The rest of the year they have boring old central heating? Getting the shopping in during our weekly jaunt to Asda i let a loud groan out as that god-awful CLIFF RICHARD  song about "logs on the fire and happy children ,etc ,etc" was played throughout the store i thought, "'ere we go! It's started." But  i thought 3 weeks before the days not too much overkill

There is a reason that i think i may have missed a lot of the build up. My darling daughter is mostly ensconsed in the back room watching NETFLIX, on the computer ,skyping and texting. The Lovely Lynne is working away or home late ,but it means i plough through SKY+ , ON DEMAND and the SKY MOVIES,etc....This means that i manage to almost totally avoid advertisments. These telly channels and services mean you find yourself ploughing through continuous episodes of various series. Recently i'm going through a spy /action phase. I've ploughed through the STRIKE BACK series ,tons of blood and snot; The lovely arse kicking assassin  MAGGIE Q as goverment assassin NIKITA; PERSON OF INTEREST about an ex C.I.A. assassin who's trying to help people. But i got the DVD collection of the classic CALLAN; I waded through the BOND films to brace myself for the long awaited SPECTRE, which i've seen a mere 3 times and i managed to catch THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E. which i also enjoyed. So while the rest of the world has been warming in the pre -festive glow i've been living an imaginary life of  extreme violence from mean steely- eyed charming ex-special services spies. Santa  better watch out when i comes a calling as i go to bed with my WALTHER PPK, Bonds weapon or Callans NOGUCHI 38 MAGNUM under my pillow.

Friday, 16 October 2015


Time is a funny old thing , it's been around for years. In fact it might be the oldest thing in the whole universe and it's still getting older and dragging us along. Time is a pure wonderful thing that zooms through eternity as an arrow of time. While our version of time is a thing called aging!....Time and space are fantastical effects in the physics of the universe ,whereas ,for us it's not the physics ,but the physical....Or the decay and decline of our physical being due to a nice little thing called the LAW OF ENTROPY!....This is quite simply the 'Falling apart of everything over time. Listen to the cracking and clicking of your bones and feel your aches and pains as you get up in the morning, You thought that was old age ,which it is ,but it is much more it is one of the basic laws of physics one of a couple of laws of thermodynamics!....There ,y'go, sounds a little better than arthritus or lumbago!

We think of time as that pain in the arse thing that causes the alarm clock to ring in the morning and makes us rush as we are late for work ,etc and is the reason for rushing and cramming onto busse,trains, the tube and the gridlocked motorway system as we all rush to get to wherever 'ON TIME!'....Times physical form seems to be  traditionally bells, from the start of the day with the alarm clock to the vastly more dreaded bell that signifies "LAST ORDERS!" in the local boozer.

What is TIME?....How long does it last?...Is it a second, an hour, a day, a week , a year?????....We have atomic clocks that measure billionths of a second, However we can measure it in either direction ,the small or the large time fills that measurement. We have watches to measure seconds hours ,days and months; We have diaries covering days to years; Doctor Who has his 500-year diary!

A lot happens over time ,we are used to stuff happening instantly ,with computers and the rush of day to day life and living, but major 'stuff' is going on a lot slower and mainly unoticed. Through time the universe was formed ,the Earth was formed; Life formed and slimey stuff climbed out of  strange oceanic soups and crawled over that dry stuff which in later years we called 'The Land'. These little 'yukky' thingies eventually developed, or evolved in a thing called EVOLUTION ,ask a certain MR DARWIN about all that, but something daft happened and tiny crustacheans became 200 foot dinosaurs. Which in millions of years would evolve into a thing called 'SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER MOVIES' for the lazy movie buffs that the dinosaurs ,etc would be replaced by over time.

Nothing stays still as time passes , mountains grew and disappeared ,oceans came and went; continents ground against each other and formed new mountain ranges ;continents split and stuff like a lump of rock which would evolve into America over the other side of the developing planet....There may've been volcanoes and eartquakes destroying and shaping the planet, but at least America is 'over the 'pond' which was also formed.

A lot has happened the planet was shaped by comets destroying the dinosaurs , Man evolved ,invented fire n' wheels n' soap operas and even there was a time England won the world cup ,a lot has happened through time.

But things happen over time which may not be epoch lasting ,world-changing, but defy the laws of living and life. When i was a younger lad and we'd go out on 'the razzle' on the weekend, we'd be looking for something to wear to impress 'the chicks' at the Liverpool nightclubs. At the beginning of the week i'd dump my dirty ,highly pungent socks n' 'Bills' ( Bill grundies....Undies!)....Into the laundry basket like workers in radioactive labs carefully inserting the radioactive core rods into the reactor core. At the end of the week you were looking for socks n' 'Bills', but couldn't find any ,so you'd root around in the laundry basket and!......Your SOCKS N' BILLS DIDN'T SMELL...Quite as bad!.....They could be worn, go on , you know what i'm talkin' about!.....This is a real example of  Times effect on organic (sort of ) life forms.....As sometimes i was sure the socks n' Bills moved themselves. My socks n' bills evolved over time and cleaned themselves!? 

Time does have it's mysteries which will never be solved ,but affect us in our daily lives. Most of us wear a watch and many of those watches have a little square hole with a number signifying the day of the month by the number 3 (quarter past). The date hole is normally quite small so they put a thick block of glass to cover it and magnify the date number. The unbreakable law of physics is that whenever you want to look at the date ,IT IS ALWAYS QUARTER PAST!!!?...So whenever you need the date you cant as the finger of time is pointing to 3 ,covering the date, So you have to hang on for a few minutes into the next day to get todays date.

What is time ? Is it the point when Doctor Who starts on a Saturday night, or the kick off for the football ....( or Rugby!) ?......Or is it old black n' white telly or films, so you know its old , or does time exist in the real world outside of the telly screen? The guy who 'sorted it' was a well known ,now scruffy pipe smoking patent clerk who would one day have possibly the most famous moustaches in history. Yep!..You guessed it ALBERT EINSTEIN.

Einstein must've been a funny bloke as he sat and conducted his 'THOUGHT EXPERIMENTS' imaging why things happened ,like "What would it be like to sit on a beam of light!"....Usual stuff like that. Must've been great fun to go to the boozer with him. He developed to amazing theories that even todays smartarses want to prove wrong can't! He did the SPECIAL(Involving high speed travel) and GENERAL( Gravity n' stuff!) THEORIES OF RELATIVITY. And all together now!!!....E=MC2!!!

It's all clever complicated stuff, but he basically said that SPACE N' TIME are linked into a thing called SPACETIME. Basically there is no time as such ,the forces of  energy n' mass distort space and time which is gravity and all the stars and planets spinning through space under the influence of distorted spacetime. And just to make it a bit more interesting if you fly through space at great speeds and distances say from Earth Time is totally shot!....A ship leaving the Earth would seem ok on board, but time would slow for them as it would speed up in relative terms, so on return ,possibly hundreds of years could have passed on the Earth for a few years on a very high speed ship.
An airplane flying overhead exists on a different ,albeit a tiny bit of a different time , they will be aging slower than us on the floor. Your sat navs have to be tuned into the satellites, but allowance has to be made for relative changes in the passage of time to get it to tell ,accuratly where you are.....roughly....That field 5 miles from where you want. But although time is a variable time travel will never happen as the universes speed limit is the speed of light. Light has little ,if any mass ,so you could carry a lot without straining yourself, but as it flashes through space Mass is negligable so it's virtually Energy =C-speed of light 2, so thats a lot of energy ,almost a universe full ,theoretically it could manage 9.999999999999999999999999999999999999% recurring the speed of light! If you could overtake that maybe the universe would seem to go backwards. They theorise Tachyons actually live on the other side of the light limit, so they exist in a backward universe.

So theres no going back to kill your grandad....So you wont exist ,so you can't kill your grandad, so you can exist and go back to kill your grandad ,so you wont exist, etc, etc ,as the 'good Doctor would say you 've created a 'time loop'. What would happen if you went back , met your grandparents to be and fell in love with your grandmother ,to be and 'you got together!'......So your seed was planted back 'in the day!'....What kind of time loop would that form?.....Maybe a time coil would've been better! 

Tuesday, 29 September 2015


As our beloved lunar partner the MOON whizzes across the sky on any average night ,it always amazes me how billions of tons of rock is just drifting over our head. It is a quarter of a million miles away, so i feel fairly confident and secure in my bed that the lunar lump will stay up there.
There is a problem as all our happy smiling pretty lady and some men weather forcasters are constantly reminding us of an amazing and a rarely  occuring astronomical event was to take place last sunday night/monday morning. That billions of tons of  lunar rock is zooming intowards our  occupied billions and trillions of planetary rock and water . Suddenly that distant beautiful distant fixture in our skies becomes a very much bigger approaching figure in the sky.
The gravity builds up and the moon slurps up the oceans of water causing tidal effects all round the world.
Also ,ladies get on the scales as a few ounces may be lost as the lunar pull increases, it may be back tomorrow, but you can fool yourself for a night!
As the moon whizzes closer n' closer the lunar glow becomes a reddened glow ,causing religious nuts and nuts of varying causes ,codes and creeds to be convinced .."THIS IS THE END !!"
But as the Earth passed in front of our much to close Lunar friend the lovely blood red glow was covered by the eclipse ,but the awkward way of the universe caused this astronomical miracle to take place long after i'd gone to bed and dropped my Kindle to the floor as i fell into my unwakeable 8 hour kip....Even billions of tons of Lunar rock drifting 50 feet above the house couldn't wake me. 
The following day the Moon is zooming off into the vacumn of space back to it's normal parking space. It's always nice when billions of tons of rock is heading away from you and getting smaller all the time.
Some good pictures on the telly the following day, tho'....The best was the supermoon  with one of Liverpools' Liver birds in the foreground !....It's always a supermoon to me !

Tuesday, 15 September 2015


Spies are back ......Not that they ever really went away ,but the new JAMES BONDfilm  'S.P.E.C.T.R.E.' is on it's way in and sadly ,as i've not seen it and wanted to the new 'MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.'film is on it's way out! 
It's been strange as for many years all the film and telly spies have fought 'the other side in a quest for micro films and dots and killing enemy assassins , but spies were taking a back seat in their Austin Martins as the assassin took over the role of screen hero. Nowadays trained kickboxing killers are filling our screens. steely cold hard eyes and gutteral speech patterns are replacing the smooth ,suave ,sexy ,sharp quipping secret agents like Bond and Napoleon Solo.
No idea where the first spy came from. Maybe once upon a long time ago a lincon green clad English lad  by the name of Jameson of the Bond was dressed in animal furs given a horned metal helmet and paddled across the North Sea to infiltrate the Viking hoardes massing to invade our green n' pleasant land. I dont know how our first spy got his 'intel' scrolls back to 'YE OLDE M.I.6. but he didn't do too good as the viking hoardes hoarded over and gave us a good kicking and did stuff to the maidens fair ,of the day ,thats how some of us have viking blood coursing through us!
Through the years the spy has evolved from the sneaky slimey untrustworthy worm of the middle ages as seen in Robin Hood films and stuff like that as spies were always spying on the 'good guys' for the nasty king ,etc. As the centuries clicked by and the world became a bigger place and we discovered lots of new exciting enemies like the French and the Spanish spying became a lot more complicated and for the greater good of the country as the French and the Spanish as we all know can't be trusted and don't like the British 'cos we're much better than they are. So they decided to  rule all of Europe then invade us . I'm sure a spy discovered the plans for the SPANISH ARMADA and reported home .Things were a lot slower in them days so our spy got the Armada 'intel' back home to ye olde MI6 in a mere 6 months which was fine as the Armada probably took about 5 years to get prepared then 6 months to sail, so we just about managed to negate their head start and met them about half a mile out to sea and gave them a good kicking.
Spies came into their own and job centres all over 17 n' 18th century Britain were dragging people off their ye olde job seekers allowance to spy on the French and Spanish when a certain French dwarf decided to rule the world. Napoleon ,apparently he was fond of spies and lots of them galloped around Portugal ,etc gathering 'intel' for 'Boney!'. Watch any episode of Sharpe and you'll see what i mean.
Spies come in all shapes and sizes as we all know real spies are fit and incredibly handsome and irresistable to women . They travel the world on incredible expense accounts ,gambling ,eating and drinking the finest cuisine at the finest restaurants, hotels and casino's and oddly enough for SECRET AGENTS are known and recognised throughout the world?
It has been said that spies are trained to blend in and look normal and  not attract attention, be grey and go about their devious doings unoticed, but that wouldn't be much good for a film or telly series.
As we all know the enemy have what we call 'SLEEPERS' and what they do is settle down make a good old boring domestic life ,get a job ,maybe even raise a family waiting for a call from the 'motherland' through their 'Handler' who may drop them a coded letter or a phrase , a trigger for them to do what they were trained to do before they became domesticated ol farts like the rest of us. They may work in an office or the local chippy, but they have to inflict damage or kidnap ,or steal important documentation (maybe the new menu in the chippy!) for their masters in the Kremlin ,or wherever!
Through the years theres been lots of enemies. Traditionally , there was the Nazis' then the Russians and everybody in behind the IRON CURTAIN this was spying's glory years...Tons of countries whose names finished with SLAVIA, SLAV, BOSTOFF, etc ,etcOFF i honestly dont know which were real and which were made up, but every 'MAN FRO UNCLE and most tell y spies where in these places fighting the K.G.B. or  S.M.E.R.S.H. And there was East and West Berlin and the 'WALL'...That was a spies dream. But the spies who dealt with the wall were the more gritty ones HARRY PALMER and my favourite CALLAN. The film 'THE SPY WHO CAME IN FROM THE COLD'  with Richard Burton as an agent drinking himself senseless as he pretended to be braking down and pretending to defect....I could do that ,i think i've been doing it for years, qualified to be a spy ,thats me ,i reckon!
There was also the CHINESE and Asian ,all points East baddies. The spies didn't actually go there according to fiction ,but the Chinese were everywhere plotting to destroy the western devils with nuclear missiles in secret bases and nerve gasses ,whereas we Brits wouldn't do that sort of thing we just discovered their devious plans for world domination and stole the micro films. Fictional baddies were like Bond vs S.P.E.C.T.R.E. or U.N.C.L.E. vs T.H.R.U.S.H. ; Then many of the enemy agents were just 'THE OTHER SIDE!' Now we've dealt with all other points east ,it's the middle east popping up on the BADDIE NETWORK!

Our heroes would in the early days doff a mackintosh over coat ,hat and glasses and infiltrate 'The other side' for secret documents, then codes and their cyphers ; Then micro film came in with those clicky little cameras every spy had; Micro dots, i never quite figured out how you discovered which full stop in 'war and piece 'held the details of the Russian missile system. Now we've computer hard drives and those computer 'dongle' thingee's that drain all the info from computer hard drives. 
In old films and books the info was simple , but important, so the micro film was important for the freedom and safety of the west. Now they explain the wheeling and double dealings that take place with the politics and spy networks, just watch the average episode of 'SPOOKS' ...I love it....Can't understand it ,but still love it!
Nowadays spying looks decidedly nasty and dangerous ,as a kid i'd watch and dream of being a spy. In them days when they were captured ,which was every week , they were interrogated, not tortured ,interrogated. Our hero may get a blooded lip ,work up a sweat and you knew it was tough, esspecially when his tie was loosened and top button was undone. Now it's a good beating in the cellars of 'The other side ' Water boarding ,electric shocks, etc .....As we all know know our greatest enemy is our biggest ally!....The good ol' U.S.of A....The C.I.A. who seem to have their sticky fingers into everyones business and seem utterly ruthless.....The CIA make the soviets look like sweethearts. Assassinations ,drug running ,arms dealing with ...everybody on all sides...According to whatever you watch or read ,everybody is after their own agenda ,did they kill JFK?....Etc ,etc!  Do spies get the chance to retire or do they get 'removed', permanently?
One thing i never understood is how much and how does a spy get paid?....If an agent is undercover ,say in Russia , why don't the Russians just check his bank details.....£20,000/month from the Ministry of Defence....Bang!...Your dead, Tovarich!
The reason i wanted to be a spy was so i could wear a shoulder holster....Nowadays its not as cool as the automatic pistol is shoved down the back of the agents trousers, not half as good as the ol' shoulder holster.....At one point...Ok , i still do , i fancied adapting the shoulder holster for holding pens at a caricature gig!
I said before real spies come in all shapes and sizes ,but it's not just that ,you don't even have to be alive, possibly the best ,most successful agent was a dead body. An agent doesn't just steal 'intel' ,but can feed false 'intel' to the 'other side'! In 'OPERATION MINCEMEAT'...A body was washed up on the Spanish coast durring WW11 around 1942
with notes detailing the British intention to invade Greece and Sardinia which the Germans swallowed 'hook, line and sinker' ,whereas us crafty Brits were going to invade Scicily instead and up through Italy!....And a certain Mr IAN FLEMING was involved with that scheme!....Wonder what happened to him?